Telling Zander I couldn’t possibly take care of forty cats because Marlowe is too much for me. Weirdo dog
about to head to my doctor’s appointment because my dad, grandma, and step mom have been hounding me to check if im diabetic
they’re positively panicked… and obsessed
"we’re just worried about your health!" they cry
they yank down my shirts and give me looks if i eat a cookie and make me feel miserable
i admitted to my mom that if i didn’t have feminist conversations all around me about body positivity, i’d probably have an eating disorder
(sometimes i already think about skipping meals, just to see if it would help, if they would treat me different… but i haven’t done it. although i have waited to eat meals longer than i normally would. all not healthy)
my mom got me a blood sugar measurer but so far all my readings have been 100% normal and in the right range
so i told my stepmom i’m not telling any of them what my results are regardless of the results and from here on out the conversation is just between me and my doctor
i told my dad the doctor’s appointment is tomorrow and he said “make sure they check you out for everything, you know, not just diabetes”
i don’t know what they would do if they found out i’m just fat. not sick with diabetes or a thyroid problem or anything. just fat. period.
my stepmom told me it’s not good for my joints.
my dad told me he overheard that i dont like living with him (from my grandma) and did his whole “oh i know, i’m just the woooorst father, aren’t i? i’m just terrible”
instead of asking “why don’t you like it here, am i doing something that’s hurting you?” he turns it around so i have to say “you’re not the worst, please stop.”
but i just said “yes. sometimes you are not nice and i don’t like being here.”
emerson being a lovebug this fine morning
when i was 4 years old my mom and aunts and uncle put all of us cousins in red or green sweaters and wrote our names and our ages on it, and then filmed us singing (terribly) christmas carols (that most of us didn’t know all that well)
they gave that video to my grandparents for christmas, and my grandma got this red sweater and my grandpa got a green one
they say my grandma cried and cried when she saw the video, she just loved it so much
i’ve watched it a few times growing up, mainly because it’s really funny to see all of our personalities when we were just little babies
when grandma died we looked for this sweater to bury it with her, but we couldn’t find it and i was feeling very anxious and upset. my grandma held on to everything, could she have possibly thrown out this sweater?
but then we found it while digging through her room. my mom ran to grab me and tell me it had been found. i decided i didn’t want it buried with her. i couldn’t let go of it. we let go of a lot of stuff to bury with her (all of our childhood art we’d given to her—that she kept).
i took this sweater into the back bedroom and i held it like a security blanket and i sobbed.
it was a sad but much needed moment.
now sometimes i wear it and it’s very nice to wear it in a way i can’t explain except through telling that story.
It’s terrifying to see my 14 year old cousin adopting the same ideology as his gun fanatic/ultra conservative/conspiracy theorist father
A tragic event: he is so cute but I need those notebooks he’s laying on…
finally checked what my homework is for the day
NEED TO WATCH 3 HOURS OF AVATAR UGH GREAT
Photoshops with Marlowe
for the last week every night before bed i read harry potter in spanish and then i put on my tape player and listen to the goblet of fire on audiobook
and i’m crying randomly a lot lately but whenever i’m reading/listening that stuff all goes away
por una semana, todos los noches antes de duerme, yo leía harry potter en español y luego escuchaba al audiolibro el caliz de fuego
y lloro mucho a tiempos diferentes sin causa recientemente, pero cuando yo estoy leyendo o ecuchando todo es mejor
Marlowe is the peskiest, neediest, most terrible little dog in the world (yesterday I took her on a walk and she ran into another person’s home!) and she is my most favorite, darling friend in the world and there is nothing better than when she burrows under the blankets and uses the back of my knee as a pillow. I love her so much I will even let her lick my ankles, because for whatever reason, she really seems to enjoy it.