happy 27th to my sister

happy 27th to my sister

i saw this and all i thought of was roland barthes’s rhetoric of the image
thanx comparative lit

i saw this and all i thought of was roland barthes’s rhetoric of the image

thanx comparative lit

(Source: makehealthychoices)

i have been feeling anxious and stressed lately anticipating the school year starting but i should be feeling more positive about it because this is my last year and i know it will go by quick even though there will be random all nighters and feelings of being overly stressed

i am trying to focus on the positive things going on, esp. because it’s almost my birthday and i like to focus on all the things i am thankful around this time

right now my friendships are going very smoothly.

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Marlowe is my snuggle bug

Marlowe is my snuggle bug

i’ve been so stressed out the past two days i’ve had knots in my stomach and i feel like i’m going to throw up

my grandma called me the other day to say my grandpa would no longer be able to get ride source to dialysis 3x a week, and could i do it?

keep it mind she is asking me this during the school year on top of 11 credits and 3 jobs.

i said, “i don’t know, i have class mondays and wednesdays, and i’ll probably be working for papa’s all day fridays,” which are the three days that he has dialysis. 

she said “well, we’ll figure something out.”

she called back later and left a message and said, “i think i found a solution that’ll work for everybody.”

that solution is that, on top of 7.5 hours i’ll commute every week, 13 hours i’ll spend on campus, and 45 hours i’ll be working every week, i should spend the night at their house (adding another 40 min to the commute) and take my grandfather to dialysis friday mornings before work

this isn’t even including homework.

this would be the 2nd night of the week i wouldn’t be at home (i work out of town on the weekends and my boss usually puts us up in a hotel), not including if i keep dating the guy i’ve been dating and occasionally stay over at his house like i have been. 

at her house i wouldn’t have my computer, where i do my 1) homework, and 2) second job

the end of my week would also look like this: thursday i would drive from eugene 20 minutes to JC to work. then after work i would drive 20 minutes to veneta, spend the night, and wake up early to drive back 25-30 minutes into eugene, before driving back home 10-15 minutes, before driving 20 minutes back to JC, working all night, driving 20 minutes back to eugene… before waking up at 5 am on saturday so i can drive 45 min-1 hr to work out of town. 

thursday and friday are the only days i don’t have to go to school, and im spending them working for papa’s. because i have to maintain some semblance of my 2 regular jobs, so i can still, you know, have those jobs once nick’s seasonal stuff is done. and i don’t want to give up nick’s seasonal stuff because it’s $15/hour and i can do my homework while i’m there. it’s also 12-14 hour days, and i get paid at the end of the weekend, so it’s really the only time of year where i have some extra money.

i’m also $2,000 in credit card debt, and i’d really like to put a considerable dent in that.

it would be great if i could just say, “jeez, grandma, i really don’t think i can fit that into my schedule,” but she will get upset. and she will yell at my dad about how i’m ungrateful, and spoiled, and how she has done so much for me. she has done so much for me. but i just can’t reciprocate with this. i have too much on my plate. i’m already stressed about the school year without this. 

but saying no will lead to fights with my dad, because my grandma will attack him about me being a bad granddaughter.

and i’d like to help them if it didn’t feel like an obligation and this huge thing looming over my head and it wasn’t on top of all of the other shit i have to do

i’ve just wanted to cry for the past 2 days. and move away. and be far away from any sense of obligation and duty.

god i fucking suck.

i made out a matrix to show my grandma how much i’ve got on my plate once school starts. but i’m afraid all she’ll say is that i shouldn’t work so much, and to drop my hours, and then i could do it. and i guess i could, and have a little less money (not that i have a lot, i’ve currenly got $120 in my bank… and i still owe my dad $300 for rent, although i do get paid tomorrow)

i can’t stand this. 

i don’t think it’s fair of her to ask me to load another thing on my plate. my grandma can drive. also, they have money. they just act like they don’t because this isn’t the sort of thing they want to spend it on—rides for dialysis. but they have no problem spending it on trips, maintaining their garden, etc. etc.

i feel like no matter what i show them about “this is how busy i am” that they’ll make me rearrange it and tell me i’m being ridiculous because i don’t need to work that much. 

but i literally live month to month, and it even feels that way when i work for nick because i actually allow myself to buy things that i want. like, hey, new clothes. or some books. or whatever.

jesus christ this is whiny and dumb and i can’t stand it and i’m too scared to say no and deal with the massive fucking fallout from all directions.

last time they wanted me to help with rides—last semester, when i had the same overwhelming schedule—i got into so many fights with my dad because my grandma was upset that even though i agreed to take it on, i didn’t do it enthusiastically enough

i spent my entire first few sessions with my counselor stressing about it.

ugh

Why do so many of my friends have awful families and parents and friends that bring them down and aren’t supportive, uplifting people? My friends are all so kind and generous and thoughtful. They deserve so much better. I wish my mom could adopt all of them and take care of them. They are so precious.

time to curl up in bed and watch celeste and jesse forever and be sad

somehow the last voicemail my grandmother left me before she died disappeared off my phone, even though there are older voicemails than that still on there? i have no idea how it got deleted.

and now i’m really upset, obviously, because i just liked being able to hear her voice when i wanted to.

also, it’s almost been a year since she died. where did the time go?

in a week it’ll be the anniversary of finding out it was cancer. 

i’m only just now getting to the point where i don’t think of her every single day. but it’s still most days. 

the feeling that she cant possibly be gone has disappeared. which i don’t know if it that is good or bad. 

my other grandfather is on dialysis and we all went to bend recently and it was not a good trip by any means, and he was ornery and obstinate and contrary as usual, difficult to be around—but then my grandma said he asked how long he would have to live if he went off dialysis.

so.

that’s something to try and gear up towards processing potentially. 

today is the birthday of the man that tried to rape me

i wish it was a fact i could forget

i guess he’d be like 31 this year.

i really just wish i didn’t remember anything about him.

got my tickets for california in december to see my nieces and devil-in-a (!!!)

very exciting

I feel pretty cute to just go and get my dogs meds from Costco

I feel pretty cute to just go and get my dogs meds from Costco

so my dad and stepmom “separated” last december

but they still like see each other multiple times a week and we go to each other’s family functions and sometimes they spend the night together and they still show general affection

a week or so after she moved out my dad was already dating even though it wasn’t really quite clear where their relationship was. he had this woman over all the time and it really bothered me, because i felt i was complicit in some sort of betrayal or dishonesty.

but my dad insisted that susie and he agreed that they could date other people, they just didn’t want to know.

but it felt really awkward because they were talking every day like normal but there was this other woman in his life ALL the time and it just wasn’t being mentioned, like a huge thing he was avoiding talking about and mentioning

since i thought that they had agreed to this, though, i was more fine with the idea of him dating but less fine with her being in my house all the time. like, the house i grew up in with my step mom. my dad didn’t seem to realize that after 10 years of this woman raising me and still being a closeknit part of my family circle, it was a little uncomfortable that it went from “everything seems ok” one day to “there’s another tall blonde woman in the house all the time.”

i was obviously uncomfortable with it though and me and my dad hashed it out once and he said he had told susie that he was seeing someone and been honest with her and she was completely comfortable with it. this was a relief, although i still didn’t like the woman much, for no reason of her own doing

but then susie and i sat down and talked about it and my dad made the story sound better than it was. he didn’t just tell her for the sake of honesty, he was caught by susie’s son. susie admitted she was okay with it, but that they intended to get back together in the future once my brother was out of the house (a lot of their issues stemmed from him, but i have a lot of resentment towards my father for his role in the family relationship)

she did say, however, that she was very uncomfortable that he was bringing women into the house and knew i was uncomfortable with it, and told my dad not to do that anymore

he didn’t. for a while. there were 2 or 3 other women i met briefly once or twice. there was a period where there seemed to be no one at all, and in this period susie and he seemed to be hanging out a lot more.

eventually it felt into a period where i knew he was dating but it didn’t have to be a part of my life at all. i just knew he was skyping women and texting them and sometimes i saw him open an email from a dating website. 

but when my aunt was in town and asked what the deal between dad and susie were, and i said dad was dating but they were planning on reconciling, my brother said his mom now had no idea that he was dating—that they had since had another conversation and she expressed her discomfort with the idea.

so once again it feels secretive. and like i’m lying by omission when i have to know about these things.

i mean, i overhear my dad and susie talking and saying things like, “when we get back together,” and that they’ll live in a new house, etc. etc.

last night he spent the night at my stepmom’s house and tonight i come home and there’s a woman curled up next to him on the couch. as if it’s nothing. as if it’s not weird for me, as if he hasn’t ever noticed that i’m uncomfortable with it.

when he knows. every time i come downstairs and he’s skyping a woman i never say anything but he can tell something is off and he acts overly nice and interested in whatever i’m doing for the next few hours.

and i was overly quiet and awkward coming home. i don’t want to meet all these women. i don’t want them in the house when i’m in the house as long as he and susie are still planning to get back together and as long as it feels like it’s a secret from susie.

i don’t want to be involved in that.

it’s also frustrating because my dad still refuses to acknowledge his part in the reason their marriage wasn’t working. he refused to go to counseling with susie and my brother, he refused to be an active parental figure in my brother’s life, he insisted that susie was parenting incorrectly yet was not a supportive partner.

i’m also going through talking about dad stuff with my counselor, and realizing that he has been overly controlling and verbally abusive for most of my life. 

so i am having a lot of anger and resentment and not sure how to process all these feelings. i am upset because it seems disrespectful to go against susie’s (and my) wishes of not having other women in the house when i’m home. i am upset because this is possibly against susie’s wish of him not seeing anyone at all. 

i am upset because when he talks about why they separated, or just decided to live in different houses or whatever it is that they’re doing, he just says, “she made her choice, she chose her son over me,” even though i tell him he should have never made her choose between those 2 things. 

i am just struggling with a lot of realizations about him lately. that he might not be such a good person (he has this thing where he’s upset with me when i refuse to lie to someone to get ahead or take advantage of a situation). that he might love me and while i know that, he has also hurt me physically and emotionally and put me down at so many opportunities. that he’s incapable of apologizing or admitting that he’s wrong. that while i also felt like i was given responsibility and trust to make my own choices, he’s also manipulated me into having no choice at all. for instance, he was never restrictive about drugs or alcohol or sex—instead opting to talk to me openly and honestly about all of them—but when, for instance, i express that i am unhappy living here and want to move out, he will give me a long list of things he’ll start making me pay for and making me believe i won’t be able to afford it/that i’ll fail. he says things like, “and what about your dog, would you really do that to her?” he does things like tell me that i don’t have to pay my rent in full one day, then berate me for not paying my cell phone bill the next day—even though I DO PAY IT. whenever things are running smoothly he insists on asking me if i’m happy here or if i like it but i feel like i’m not allowed to bring up past grievances. he pays too much attention to what i’m eating and judges me for it. when i quit my job because i was finally so miserable that it was consuming all my energy and thoughts, he was supportive. the next day he came home after i had already quit and told me he thought my decision was stupid and that i’d be miserable at any job because i was too picky. when i express that something he has said hurts me (calling me stupid as a joke, for instance) he says i’m too sensitive.

i talk to my mom and my counselor about all of it. but i still don’t know what to do about my feelings. when things are going well i don’t have to think about them at all. but i’m also constantly on edge for the next thing to go wrong. whether it’s because i didn’t take the dogs on a walk like i said, or because i break something or lose something, there’s always going to be a trigger where it all explodes and is miserable and terrible. 

It’s Game Day at work!