i was riding my bike to my friend’s house today to loan him harry potter books and it was so hot out and my vision got blurry and i couldn’t see anything and there was a ringing in my ears and so i threw my bike in the gross and plopped down and tried to get my breathing and vision back to normal

and i was lying there with my eyes closed and i heard “are you okay???”

and it was two homeless men who came over to check on me and they offered to buy me food and water and try and call someone and they gave me advice and were so nice and helpful and one of them sat with me and talked while i was recovering and the other went back to his corner but insisted i come over and ask him for help if i needed it and it’s just like

all the time people are complaining about homeless people and telling these stories that half the time are “well, my friend’s mom tried to give a homeless man X or Y and he said he doesn’t eat onions so he threw it back at her” that i don’t even believe, for one,

but for two, these are people that are in really hard circumstances. full stop. i don’t care if they have an addiction or if they kept losing jobs because of this or that reason that people use an excuse of being horrible to homeless people. they are without a home, and often without food and comfort or safety. i can’t believe the lack of sympathy people have most of the time

these two guys offered to spend what money they had to help me recover from whatever was happening with my body. they were so kind and concerned about me.

it was just a really nice experience connecting with strangers. the one who plopped down next to me with his dog told me about hitchhiking from missouri to here and how he was trying to get down to san diego and he tried to refuse the few bucks i gave him that i had on me.

i don’t know, i was just really touched by the whole thing

how he sleeps

how he sleeps

I accidentally re-stumbled on my favorite fanfic ever and now it’s 4 am

What is sleep?

so my boss from my very first job called me today and asked me to pick up some hours and i did and told him i was quitting papa’s and he said i could come back whenever

so even though that job sucks too at least it’s some (very few) hours in between now and when my basketball tournaments start back up in october

and nothing is worse than papa murphy’s rn

goodreads accidentally said i was finished reading a book i’m still at the beginning of, and one of my former english teachers liked it on facebook and the other one commented and said “thoughts?”

and like, besides the fact that an english teacher asking me my thoughts on a book of poetry makes me feel like i need a thesis

i am embarrassed and don’t want to say “i actually haven’t read it yet”

so i’m gonna try and finish it by tomorrow

I had a really bad day today but I also had a really good friend

Finally starting X-Files and in the pilot Mulder mispronounces Oregon a bunch of times oh boy

i think the best thing to do is not say anything. i am leaving there and leaving it behind. i think it would be selfish on my part. it is not my problem is things get worse there—it is not my responsibility

im pretty sure none of it makes sense. i am just so anxious and miserable and maybe i shouldn’t say anything at all and just leave. probably. but now i feel guilty because my boss asked me to say something

i’m super stoned and super anxious about this whole job crap

like i am leaving because it is unfair. employees slack off or come into work an hour late because they’re so hungover on drugs and alcohol and not only get away with it, get the best shifts and maintain their seniority over me (or match me in it), meaning i’m picking up slack for them at work at various times and extra stressed out PLUS getting like the short end of a stick, here, shift-wise, etc

like why am i bothering feeling guilty when i don’t want to come in for a shift? why do i feel compelled to take it lest i earn the temporary spite of my employer for “not being a team player”—even though you can not be a team player, and purposefully not get a phone so anyone can call you in earn or try and swap you shifts, etc—and it all works out fine

so i told my manager some specific stories, about other employees and why i just can’t do it anymore, because she was rather surprised when i said i wanted to put my two weeks in. i explained how exhausting it is and how miserable it’s making me and a few other employees. but she wants me to tell her father, the owner, because she thinks he’ll take it more seriously from me than her. however i suspect it’s because, possibly, maybe for once, but probably not, he’ll actually DO something about things like assistant managers coming up with the lie their daughter tells for why she forgot about her shift and cant come in bc she’s shitfaced. and if he does something about it, it will be not her fault, and nobody can be mad at her. just me.

im not even doing my best there anymore bc i am so bummed out while i am there.

the other day amanda asked morgan to get her till and morgan flat out told her “no” and refused

and brittany ended up crying and telling amanda on another day that she’s miserable here and hates everyone and she was going to tell the owner

except tarah was like “well guess what, we’re ALL MISERABLE HERE”

like i want to come back to work for him when he opens the new store right by my house, but i want to avoid all the drama that comes along with telling him about how fucking ridiculous it is working in that store

but then i think i shouldn’t tell, like, if i’m on my way out, why bring anyone else down? except for like, they are the reason i can’t work there anymore. like, shouldn’t my boss sort of know that the “valuable” employees that take their jobs more seriously are miserable because of employees that don’t? but then like why am i trying to get someone punished and maybe even more severely suspended or fired if im leaving anyway? is that even fair? like if im on my way out? but then i think yes because like. i would’ve been happy to keep working t here and doing my part if it wasn’t for this. but then it’s like, ugh, am i really more “valuable” as an employee if the work is getting done anyway? couldn’t i slack off too and control my reaction to it and stop being so stressed? but i have tried and i can’t. and nobody at the top is noticing anything wrong? but is this all capitalistic, valuing employees on output and attitude and not realizing that we’re all losing because my owner is the only one really making any money while we’re miserable whether we’re trying hard or skating by

i just don’t think i should have to be this stressed and miserable about the job

like i don’t want everyone hating me for being honest about how shitty they are at their jobs, like i’m a tattle tale, but aren’t i? so i feel bad about this, but i also feel bad that i was an environment that made me this miserable because of how unfair and bias some treatment was.

sigh.

i called taylor to see if he could hang out with me so i could talk to him about it, but he had plans. and i called zander but he didn’t pick up.

i’m kind of freaking out though, because i feel really shitty. i felt really shitty there and i feel shitty leaving and like everything about that place just drains the happiness out of me. idk.

Finally put in my 2 week notice at my dreadful job hallelujah

i hate staying up til 2 am to finish a book for it to have a TERRIBLE ENDING

going thru old selfies
my hair was perf at this length and color
possibly one of my fave selfies ever

going thru old selfies

my hair was perf at this length and color

possibly one of my fave selfies ever