marlowe just yelped like she was in serious pain but it was only because the cat was eating her food
what a selfish asshole she is
she eats the cat food ALL THE TIME
wow this guy who is a customer at my work who i always thought was cute asked me out to coffee which turned into breakfast and he said “it’s a date!” and like it just happened so easily and organically
i didn’t know that was a thing that happened in real life anymore
favorite movies continued
- the artist
- the holiday
- district 9
a list of my favorite movies
1. another earth
2. celeste and jesse forever
3. grave of the fireflies
4. the brothers bloom
5. the nightmare before christmas
and then some that i am just thinking off the top of my head and in no particular order
6. how to lose a guy in 10 days
7. forgetting sarah marshall
8. pride and prejudice
9. a little princess
i am stretched so thin right now that i am doing everything half way and nothing fully
i need some changes
WHY AM I AWAKE DOING NOTHING AT 1:30 AM WHEN I HAVE CLASS IN THE MORNING UGH
Tonight I wrote about my grandma and then I just cried. And cried. And cried. And I listened to her favorite song and her voicemail and I reread the letter she wrote to Jerry where she talks about how I am a “very pretty child” but that it’s my “dingaling personality that’s the grabber.”
I miss her in a way that is so hard to talk about. I don’t know how to tell you who she is perfectly. I want everyone to know exactly who she is so everyone can know exactly why we all loved her so fiercely.
Even when I wasn’t seeing her all the time or talking to her she was always a background presence. I went through some of my Facebook profile photos and these are all her comments that she left me. I noticed on the last two that they were posted three years earlier—exactly—from when she died. Three years ago I felt like I had so much time left with her. Two months ago I felt like I had so much time left with her.
I wanted her to meet my kids so that they could have just half of an idea of how special she is. But that’s not just it. I want her here for everything. And I know she was ready and I know that is selfish but I want it. I want it so bad I could fall apart.
I just want her to be here. I know she would light up and be so happy that I get to meet my favorite author. And I know she’d laugh that I’m nervous and have a speech tomorrow with no voice. I want to call her house and hear her say “Mm hello?” I want to walk in the door and see her at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.
I want to tell her again and again and again and again how much I love her. How good she was to me. How good she was, period.
I miss her so terribly. So wholly.
And English is such a sparse language to express that pain.
tonight was the first night i cried about my grandma since we were all in the thick of it every day together
i have been going on going to work and school and trying to get back into the swing of things and today i went to my grandpa’s house after work to drop off my dog
i was struck by the reality that she asn’t there and won’t be there and i just started sobbing alone in my car
it was awful
then i brushed myself up and went inside and did a puzzle with my cousins zach and max and my first-cousins-once-removed rachele and grant and it was actually pretty nice
and then grant found out you can hold a puzzle up for a considerable amount of time without it all crumbling apart
i got a question on my spanish homework wrong not because i don’t understand spanish but because when i was supposed to choose true or false for “it is said that the bear is the king of the jungle” i thought “hm. yeah, that sounds right” and forgot about LIONS and only thought about the jungle book
I AM GOING TO SEE LEMONY SNICKET ON HIS TOUR STOP IN PORTLAND
THIS IS LIKE MY BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE