today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother’s death, which has been rough. i cried driving home from school, but then i brought out a letter she wrote to me on graduation day. which made me cry a lot more. i think it’s a mix of happy and sad tears, though, so i guess that’s a bit better at least.

"Dearest Meggles,

You captivated my heart the day you were born and I knew you would always be dear to me. But you were a bit older when I became aware of the depth of your soul. You’ve always had a sense of right and wrong: ‘Grandma! Grandpa ran a ‘lellow light!’ You’ve always been bright and quick and wiry, bursting through my door at age 5, turning cartwheels across the living room! By the age of 7 or 8 you were writing skits and lining up all the other kids and assigning them parts to be acted out in this very yard, for your family audience! You amazed your aunts and uncles and great-grandmother, but I knew all along you were destined for bigger things! …

We’ve teased you a lot about being the littlest one of the grandkids, and picked on you for being short… but big things come in small packages! Intelligence for one thing… for all that you spend your life with your nose buried in a book, you’ve got that beautiful head screwed on straight! You know exactly how to be yourself in every situation! I’ve watched you tag along with your cousins as they were going fishing, carrying the latest Harry Potter novel instead of a fishing pole… but nobody seemed to mind. They enjoyed fishing; you enjoyed reading… and it was all good because you spent the time together! …

And so you have arrived at graduation day, with your head still screwed on straight, knowing exactly who you are, and where you are headed! Still ‘Miss Lady Justice’, standing up for your beliefs, knowing right from wrong, still the airy sprite… and still with the nose in a book and feet planted firmly on terra firma. i know you’ll be crossing that podium tomorrow with as many honors hanging around your neck as your sister before you, if not more! And the only other grandmother in that audience with as much pride in her heart as me will be Cynthia!

They tell me when you go to New York, that if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere! I know you’ll do well and get good grades. I know you’ll make new friends there as easily as you made them here. But there will be times you’ll miss your family and friends at home. Keep in touch on the computer, on Facebook, on the phone… ‘cause we’re going to be missing your beautiful smile as well! You take with you our pride, our best wishes, and our love wrapped warmly around your shoulders like a mink coat! May it always keep you warm inside even as you move far away… All our love.”

I received good head for the first time ever tonight and oh my goooood

I am a big fan of this October.

I am a big fan of this October.

I got to meet the amazing harikondabolu on Saturday!

I got to meet the amazing harikondabolu on Saturday!

so i finally just asked my (step) brother what was up between my dad/his mom and he said he didn’t know and why and i told him dad was dating and i thought he said his mom didn’t want my dad to be dating other women

he came over to pay my dad back because he used the gas card. my dad wasn’t home and the woman was, and tyler told his mom (so we’re both off the hook for “tattling” because basically my dad is just an idiot about hiding an affair??)

so my dad went over to talk to susie last night while the woman just spend time out and about around town? and dad and susie broke up, because dad doesn’t want to put in the effort to fix the relationship (no surprise—he never wanted to put in any effort in the whole marriage. example: susie and tyler went to counseling; dad refused)

so tyler says susie is really sad and worried she wont be part of the family anymore, but he’s trying to cheer her up and assuring her she is (which is true—my grandparents love her and i love her)

so i’m really sad because i love her but i know that this doesn’t change our relationship. but i’m sad because she’s sad even though i think she deserves better.

i’m just exasperated with my father and his lack of effort in any/all of his relationships. 

i’m also not looking forward to seeing more of this woman around the house. i know none of it is her fault at all, she could be a perfectly nice lady (but if she is she may as well get the hell out of dodge now, too)

i just don’t want to be reminded of how shitty my dad treated his wife with her presence

ugh.

i went to the feminist bookstore that inspired the feminist bookstore on portlandia and it was pretty great

So I finally told my dad last week how I feel about meeting the women he dates. He completely ignored it both by not responding AND by bringing her home tonight… And trying to hide it.

He had this woman spend the night onto my birthday. He literally had her over, woke up, and went and saw his wife for his daughter’s birthday. He held hands with Susie. He went over there that night for dinner. 

None of us know if Susie knows anything. If she doesn’t, I know things I don’t want to know

My grandma confronted my dad too and said, “Your daughter’s pretty upset with you—and for good reason.”

And all he said was, “You don’t know the backstory!!!”

Well, what IS it? Why don’t you fucking clue us in so we don’t feel like we know about your affairs while we continue to see your wife on a regular basis????

all in all it ended up being a pretty great birthday!

all in all it ended up being a pretty great birthday!

My dad’s birthday gift to me: “You borrowed $30 from me last week since you only had $20 in your account, remember? Well, you don’t have to pay me back.”

My step mom made a face at him and said “that’s not a very good gift” and he laughed like he thought he was so funny and I almost cried.

He’s been short and sarcastic all morning and he didn’t even say happy birthday.

It’s my birthday! I woke up to this snuggle bug being adorable

It’s my birthday! I woke up to this snuggle bug being adorable

today i texted my dad and i told him i was uncomfortable meeting the women he’s dating, esp. when he’s not at home, and that if him and susie are okay with dating other people i need to hear it from BOTH of them because i feel like i know something i shouldn’t and it feels like i’m hiding something from her. i expressed that susie is a mom to me, and i don’t want to know about all the women he’s with while they’re on a break.

it was a long text.

he wrote back, “are you working today”

and i said “yes”

and he didn’t respond. that’s it.

i went to amanda’s after work and she drove me home (since my car’s broke down) and the woman is still here. i don’t see my dad’s car but i suppose it’s around parked on the street somewhere. 

like??? my birthday breakfast is at 9 am tomorrow.

1) i am not hanging out with my dad and susie and pretending things are fine while the woman hangs out at our house alone? also i think she has a key to the house? this whole thing is weird and there is no communication happening

2) how am i getting out to veneta with no car? my dad needs to take me but he didn’t bother to ask if i wanted to do anything for my birthday, if there was any family plans, nothing. i would’ve mentioned it to him today but his lack of response to my feelings didn’t make me particularly inclined to even want him there

3) how can i ask susie to pick me up to take me out there? there’s another woman’s car in our driveway.

4) why would he have a woman i’m uncomfortable being in our house spend the night onto my birthday? did he think there was no family gathering, or that i don’t know, he should be respectful about my feelings at the very least on my birthday?? 

ugh just. 

well, actually, update. my sister’s gonna come pick me up, take me out to ice cream, and i’ll spend the night there and she’ll let me use her car in the morning. 

so my step-mom texted me wanting to make sure she can be involved with my b-day festivities tomorrow which like yes of course

but with my dad and his new whatever-girlfriend-something-lady being over all the time (even after i told him it made me uncomfortable???????????) like i don’t want him there?

like it would be weird for them to pretend to be this happy little family with me for my b-day if he’s also fucking other women and not telling his (separated) wife about it?

how does he not get that i dont want to meet every woman he’s having sex with in between when him and my step mom get back together, esp. when i’ve heard she doesn’t want him seeing other women? are they even still getting back together? who knows

like how is he even getting away with this? susie is programmed in his phone as “my wife”. she really never calls or texts when he’s with this woman? 

awkwardly this morning she was here when my dad wasn’t. then i thought she left. then me and adam had fairly loud sex. twice. then i went downstairs and she was STILL HERE and i met her with what i assume is crazy sex hair and a bad attitude because why is this woman hanging out in my house alone when i’m home when i ALREADY TOLD MY DAD I DON’T LIKE HIM BRINGING WOMEN HOME?

took marlowe on her first camping trip. she gave mixed reviews but was actually pretty chill about riding on a boat.