got my tickets for california in december to see my nieces and devil-in-a (!!!)
so my dad and stepmom “separated” last december
but they still like see each other multiple times a week and we go to each other’s family functions and sometimes they spend the night together and they still show general affection
a week or so after she moved out my dad was already dating even though it wasn’t really quite clear where their relationship was. he had this woman over all the time and it really bothered me, because i felt i was complicit in some sort of betrayal or dishonesty.
but my dad insisted that susie and he agreed that they could date other people, they just didn’t want to know.
but it felt really awkward because they were talking every day like normal but there was this other woman in his life ALL the time and it just wasn’t being mentioned, like a huge thing he was avoiding talking about and mentioning
since i thought that they had agreed to this, though, i was more fine with the idea of him dating but less fine with her being in my house all the time. like, the house i grew up in with my step mom. my dad didn’t seem to realize that after 10 years of this woman raising me and still being a closeknit part of my family circle, it was a little uncomfortable that it went from “everything seems ok” one day to “there’s another tall blonde woman in the house all the time.”
i was obviously uncomfortable with it though and me and my dad hashed it out once and he said he had told susie that he was seeing someone and been honest with her and she was completely comfortable with it. this was a relief, although i still didn’t like the woman much, for no reason of her own doing
but then susie and i sat down and talked about it and my dad made the story sound better than it was. he didn’t just tell her for the sake of honesty, he was caught by susie’s son. susie admitted she was okay with it, but that they intended to get back together in the future once my brother was out of the house (a lot of their issues stemmed from him, but i have a lot of resentment towards my father for his role in the family relationship)
she did say, however, that she was very uncomfortable that he was bringing women into the house and knew i was uncomfortable with it, and told my dad not to do that anymore
he didn’t. for a while. there were 2 or 3 other women i met briefly once or twice. there was a period where there seemed to be no one at all, and in this period susie and he seemed to be hanging out a lot more.
eventually it felt into a period where i knew he was dating but it didn’t have to be a part of my life at all. i just knew he was skyping women and texting them and sometimes i saw him open an email from a dating website.
but when my aunt was in town and asked what the deal between dad and susie were, and i said dad was dating but they were planning on reconciling, my brother said his mom now had no idea that he was dating—that they had since had another conversation and she expressed her discomfort with the idea.
so once again it feels secretive. and like i’m lying by omission when i have to know about these things.
i mean, i overhear my dad and susie talking and saying things like, “when we get back together,” and that they’ll live in a new house, etc. etc.
last night he spent the night at my stepmom’s house and tonight i come home and there’s a woman curled up next to him on the couch. as if it’s nothing. as if it’s not weird for me, as if he hasn’t ever noticed that i’m uncomfortable with it.
when he knows. every time i come downstairs and he’s skyping a woman i never say anything but he can tell something is off and he acts overly nice and interested in whatever i’m doing for the next few hours.
and i was overly quiet and awkward coming home. i don’t want to meet all these women. i don’t want them in the house when i’m in the house as long as he and susie are still planning to get back together and as long as it feels like it’s a secret from susie.
i don’t want to be involved in that.
it’s also frustrating because my dad still refuses to acknowledge his part in the reason their marriage wasn’t working. he refused to go to counseling with susie and my brother, he refused to be an active parental figure in my brother’s life, he insisted that susie was parenting incorrectly yet was not a supportive partner.
i’m also going through talking about dad stuff with my counselor, and realizing that he has been overly controlling and verbally abusive for most of my life.
so i am having a lot of anger and resentment and not sure how to process all these feelings. i am upset because it seems disrespectful to go against susie’s (and my) wishes of not having other women in the house when i’m home. i am upset because this is possibly against susie’s wish of him not seeing anyone at all.
i am upset because when he talks about why they separated, or just decided to live in different houses or whatever it is that they’re doing, he just says, “she made her choice, she chose her son over me,” even though i tell him he should have never made her choose between those 2 things.
i am just struggling with a lot of realizations about him lately. that he might not be such a good person (he has this thing where he’s upset with me when i refuse to lie to someone to get ahead or take advantage of a situation). that he might love me and while i know that, he has also hurt me physically and emotionally and put me down at so many opportunities. that he’s incapable of apologizing or admitting that he’s wrong. that while i also felt like i was given responsibility and trust to make my own choices, he’s also manipulated me into having no choice at all. for instance, he was never restrictive about drugs or alcohol or sex—instead opting to talk to me openly and honestly about all of them—but when, for instance, i express that i am unhappy living here and want to move out, he will give me a long list of things he’ll start making me pay for and making me believe i won’t be able to afford it/that i’ll fail. he says things like, “and what about your dog, would you really do that to her?” he does things like tell me that i don’t have to pay my rent in full one day, then berate me for not paying my cell phone bill the next day—even though I DO PAY IT. whenever things are running smoothly he insists on asking me if i’m happy here or if i like it but i feel like i’m not allowed to bring up past grievances. he pays too much attention to what i’m eating and judges me for it. when i quit my job because i was finally so miserable that it was consuming all my energy and thoughts, he was supportive. the next day he came home after i had already quit and told me he thought my decision was stupid and that i’d be miserable at any job because i was too picky. when i express that something he has said hurts me (calling me stupid as a joke, for instance) he says i’m too sensitive.
i talk to my mom and my counselor about all of it. but i still don’t know what to do about my feelings. when things are going well i don’t have to think about them at all. but i’m also constantly on edge for the next thing to go wrong. whether it’s because i didn’t take the dogs on a walk like i said, or because i break something or lose something, there’s always going to be a trigger where it all explodes and is miserable and terrible.
It’s Game Day at work!
i am very very tired today
BUT it’s a result of staying up late with a cool guy and having some prty great sex, so you know, win.
this year i am finally going to have a good birthday!!!
i decided it’s too stressful to host something and entertain people, especially when my friends don’t really hang out with each other and we’re all a bunch of introverts
so i’m going to portland to see hari kondabolu with taylor and spending the day at powell’s and wandering around the city with split headphones like they did in begin again
and then i’m camping in a tiny rustic cabin with tarah and our dogs at clear lake and going hiking!! it’s one of the most beautiful places i’ve ever seen in the whole world!
23 is gonna be great
the thing about okcupid is that eventually i start ignoring all my messages because the social activity is overwhelming
even nice people who seem like they would be cool new friends
Dude messaged me with some generic “I noticed you noticing me” message which I didn’t respond to because it was boring. Then he wrote me again and said, “But seriously though, your profile has me intrigued and its rare to find feminists who aren’t just misandrists with a soapbox.”
So I was all, well, 1) I don’t misandry is actually as big of a problem as people think it is because it doesn’t have any institutional power to effect change in society, like, say, misogyny does, and that 2) I think misandry is women expressing their discomfort with the mass amounts of violence that they have experienced and/or their connections have experienced at the hands of men, and that they’re not actively harming men as much as they are trying to stay away from them, and 3) that as I understand it, misandrists are more about upsetting the patriarchy and dismantling it than they are with reversing the patriarchy so that men are the oppressed group.
I also threw in a statistic of intimate partner violence and gave an example of how people can flock to defend abusers, citing the most recent example of Christy Mack/Warmachine and the latter’s supporters.
Like, dude, please enlighten me about the misandrists with soapboxes that have so much power in society that aren’t from your personal circle/the Internet where once a woman said something men about men in front of you.